College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion: Cavalcade of Whimsy

Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion: Cavalcade of Whimsy

College Football Cavalcade

College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion: Cavalcade of Whimsy


The silliness of the college football coaching world, big job openings, and what to do with NIL money in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.

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College Football Coaches, Job Openings & Deion

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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

It gained two rushing yards against the University of Illinois on Saturday and all it got was this lousy $11 million buyout.

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And no matter what job you have, hopefully this shortens the game a bit

Think about all the jobs that needed to be filled in the history of human existence and all the things people have had to do to survive.

As we speak, someone out there is cutting someone else’s toenails.

Now think of the silliest jobs possible.

Someone actually gets paid to sit in a room and make a decision.

Right now, someone is unironically using the word “synergy” in a speech and being compensated handsomely.

Someone else is drawing a cartoon and will be able to feed her family by doing so. Someone else is finishing up a phone call with “talk at cha.” Someone else is writing a pretentious column full of goofy thoughts.

It’s not like these people’s jobs matter. It’s not like they’re building a house, or fixing a leg, or making a kid smarter, or repairing power lines, or feeding an old person, or doing something that actually makes this whole engine go.

Really, take a moment to come up with the silliest possible job combination of money and power. I’ll see your TikTok influencer and raise you a major college football head coach.

We have gone totally mad as a society to think Nick Saban is important.

It’s ridiculous that a person can become multi-generational wealthy and be the most powerful person at an institution of higher learning – and in some cases, be the highest paid employee in a state – by getting a bunch of college kids to play a dumb game.

Jimbo Fisher earned approximately $175 during the time it took you to read this so far.

This whole notion of teaching, and building up young people to become better men, and creating life skills, and caring about their eduction – it’s all a flaming bag of horsespit when that 18-year-old’s kick goes three inches to the left.

And how do I know this?

Did you see the way those coaches looked at Chad Powers when he started throwing?

A college football coach is there to do one thing and one thing only, and that’s to win college football games. That’s it. Raising money, curing kids with cancer, creating new buildings, funding scholarships – yeah, super, but did you beat Illinois?

And to make this madness even more insane, we’ve all bought into it.

Hook all Auburn fans – or fans of any major program with a struggling head coach – up to a lie detector and ask if they’d like to dump Bryan Harsin just before supper for Urban Meyer or Hugh Freeze.

Nick Saban is important.

The University of Alabama is a fine school, but it sure as shoot doesn’t have the same ability to dive into the national student talent pool if the football program isn’t this.

Not to school shame, but it’s not like the University of New Mexico is up in my neck of the woods in suburban Chicago macking it hard on the National Merit Scholars like Bama is.

And I know first hand how this all works. Not to go all “Losing My Edge,” but I was there in 1988 when Wisconsin football was ranked 107th in the Sagarin ratings.

There were 104 colleges playing Division-I football.

When it comes to Paul Chryst, I don’t want to hear whine one from any Badger fan that doesn’t go to a dark place hearing the words Veer offense.

I saw what one athletic director hire and one football coach could do to completely change an entire state.

It took a few years and, literally, trash cans of vomit to get there, but few major universities have been able to reposition themselves nationally like Wisconsin did, and it started with being better at a sport.

And now it’s going to pay almost $11 million to get rid of a good guy who won 72% of his games after starting the season 2-3.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but that’s the deal.

That’s why these coaches are being fired after losing a few games that could’ve gone either way. That’s why college football fans don’t bristle at the obscene amounts of money being given to these men to do what they do, and then to get rid of them if needed.

It’s all silly. These are silly people doing silly things in a silly situation.

And we’re cool with it, because that’s the game now.

However, with ALL of that said, I’m not cool with …

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NEXT: More coaching madness, when the Cavalcade of Whimsy continues …


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