As Sun Belt normal powers struggle in 2020, the Chanticleers are expanding our universe.
Have you ever seen a promo for a television show and thought, “How is Blue Bloods still on?” Or, “Who the heck is watching Bull?” Somewhere out there lives a fan waiting patiently for the next episode of “Man With A Plan.”
See, there are infinite universes out there. And in one of those universes (which happens to be ours), Coastal Carolina is the AP #15 program in the land.
Don’t look at me. I haven’t a clue as to how it happened, except that the Chants have quietly improved their play each year since entering the Sun Belt in 2017, the autumn following Coastal’s magic national baseball championship. That should have been a big bucket of foreshadowing, of course. But we’re as clueless as the characters in Bob Hearts Abishola, am I right? (Honestly, I don’t know.)
When Coastal Carolina entered the league, they were coached by some kind of venture capitalist named Joe Moglia, better known for being the CEO of Ameritrade than his X’s and O’s. But Moglia’s Chants paid dividends, and when he sold to Jamey Chadwell, the stock got even stronger.
We should have seen it coming. Coastal won only five games last year, but only lost to the Arkansas State Red Wolves by a point. This year, Chadwell’s cocks pounded A-State 52-23. To show they meant business, Coastal obliterated an improved Georgia State squad fifty-one TO ZERO! Coastal Carolina, we beg for the mercy you will not give!
Coastal Carolina is a perfect 6-0, which includes a pimp-slapping of Kansas. They’re led by a freshman QB, Grayson McCall, whose skills are legit and will haunt the Sun Belt for years. The only serious threats to a perfect season are a game with Appalachian State and a season closer with #25 Liberty. How is this happening? Why is this happening? What is happening?
As the Panthers’ can attest, it’s not just McCall and RB C.J. Marable crushing opponent’s spirits. The front four lead the #14 ranked defense with 20 sacks. C.J. Brewer is unstoppable and should be secured in a steel vault between games. The Chants are so well-rounded, the math department is using the team to calibrate their instruments to pi.
As a Sun Belt original gangster, I view the Chanticleer’s success with gritted teeth. A team so recently removed from FCS should have to pay their dues with winless seasons and years of chagrin. We did! But here we are, eyes blazing from taking in that ridiculous teal field, watching what was once a guaranteed body bag delivering death punch after death punch to cringing opponents. It’s not fair!
But they’re a whole lot more fun to watch than a season of Young Sheldon.
A former notary public, Jeremy Harper is a professional writer and Chief Instigator for Storm the Castle Creative. He spends much of his free time staring blankly into space.