The New Justice League: What If The G5 Declared Independence?
Just hear me out.
Upon watching another year of players being snubbed by major awards and quality programs pushed into the stratosphere of the College Playoff Committee’s Top 25, my mind once again toyed with mayhem and rebellion. What if the Group of Five launched its own college football league?
We’re not without cause. Remember when the Big XXII tricked G5 programs to dance and sing for them, then slammed the door in our faces? Remember when UCF won 27 games in a row and had to fight for a home-and-home with in-state P5s? Remember being shut out of NCAA decisions? Remember every condescending remark from Kirk Herbstreit?
Something’s got to change, right? In college football, the rich are getting richer and the rest of us are waiting for the chaff to trickle down. Maybe it’s revolt…or die!
Listen, I have all kinds of qualms with mutiny. There’s no way I want the G5 to become a ronin FCS division or, good God, the college XFL. But accepting a system designed to keep you in check isn’t much of an option either.
If we’re gonna do this thing, we got to go full ass. Half-ass won’t cut it. We’d have to make a clean break and truly define why this new Justice League is a more attractive alternative than the current blue-blood regime. Don’t bother drafting a new Constitution. Just cut-n-paste my column. Don’ worry about my royalties. I don’t have any.
Dump the NCAA
Yeah, that’s pretty radical, dumping the governing body that has nurtured and ruled you for over 100 years. And honestly, I’m not a NCAA hater like some of you. But if the new Justice League is to be truly independent, it cannot be tainted by the Power Five deep state. By freeing ourselves from the NCAA, it opens up the rest of my action items.
Pay the Players
Yup. Make football a work study program. Pay the players through your alumni foundation so that it’s tax free. It doesn’t have to be a mint: tuition plus. If the Liberal Arts Department gripes, don’t worry. That’s their job.
Speed Up The Damn Game
College football games are unbearably long, far exceeding the endurance of the human ass. It’s time to cut some fat: reduce the TV timeouts and cut halftime from 20 minutes to 10 minutes. Will that slice into ad revenue? Of course. So that means…
Ad Placement on Jerseys (and helmets and pants and cheerleaders)
The sanctity of amateurism in college football is over, thanks to our break with the NCAA, so now everything (and everyone) is for sale. Trotting out the AD for a pre-game interview? Make sure he’s wearing a Frito Lay hat! Instead of “Hits from the 80s,” the marching band plays jam versions of commercial jingles (and forms various logos on the field). Create more ad space by reducing the school logo on the helmets. Don’t have a set color scheme: make your colors those of the highest bidder. I’d continue, but then I’d have to charge you a marketing consulting fee.
Allow Players to Own Their Likeness
Sure, the NCAA might adopt this liberating rule, but we’ll be steps ahead. License the league to EA Sports and give everyone a slice. Have you ever dreamed of owning an Omar Bayless lunchbox? Now you can, and Omar will earn enough to fill it with snacks.
Adopt NFL Rules
If we’re to be the primary rung to the pros, we need to play like the pros. That means receivers need both feet in bounds. Contact is needed for a play to be down. And no time stoppage on first down. Make our players NFL ready.
I’m sure you have better suggestions, but don’t @ me because I don’t really care to know them.
A former notary public, Jeremy Harper is a professional writer and Chief Instigator for Storm the Castle Creative. He spends much of his free time staring blankly into space.