Going back in the archives for the old-school CFN All-Name Recruiting teams for 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004.
Oh sure, we’ll do our All-Name Recruiting Team when we cap off all the recruiting stuff in February. But after stumbling across this from the archives, welcome to the All-Name Teams we did from 2001 to 2014 – with some of this coming out BEFORE THIS YEAR’S RECRUITING CLASS WAS BORN.
Cue the blast-from-the-past cringes and groans as we republish …
2001 CFN All-Name Recruiting Team
Bama Adams, RB Georgia
His younger brother, Ohio State, will go to Michigan next year
Tui Alailefaleula, DL Washington
And we thought we had problems with Tuiasosopo
Donald Ah Sue, OL Nevada
Obvious a pre-law major
Kiel Angry, RB Marshall
In high school, he was just Mad
Reprobatus Bibb, UAB DB
That’s Bibb. Reprobatus Bibb.
Ratavious Biddle, DB/WR Mississippi
Goes best with a light clam sauce
Loliki Bongo-Wanga, RB Texas Tech
No truth to the rumors that his favorite bands are Oingo Boingo and Chumbawumba
Terrell Davis, RB/DB South Carolina
Hopes he has a better college career than that other TD
Bobby Iwuckukwu, LB Purdue
Good luck Big Ten announcers
Earvin Johnson, WR UNLV
Mom was obviously a huge Larry Bird fan
Kila Kamakawiwoole, WR Hawaii
The B-side of Culture Club’s Karma Chameleon.
Kassem Khromachou, OL Tulane
A little penicillin takes that right away
SirDon Lewis, DB Texas Tech
First he gets knighthood, now he gets to face Oklahoma’s passing attack
Lokeni Lokeni, DL Fresno State
Favorite band: Duran Duran
Alfredo Moldonado, DB Arkansas State
Goes well with a nice Chianti
Alvin Nnabuife, DB SMU
Mustangs hope he can Ttackle
Kelechi Ohanaja & Moses Osemwegie, DBs Vanderbilt
Four words for SEC radio announcers: good luck with this
Jarod Posthumus, QB Minnesota
Very curious to see how they’ll write his obituary
Lou Reed, LB Hawaii
Good lyricist, average tackler
Dartagnon Shack, OL Fresno State
His brother Radio, who has a strange penchant for selling average electronics, is headed for San Jose State
Adrian Stiffarm, OL Ball State
He has GOT to be converted to RB on the first day of spring practice
Craphonso Thorpe, WR Florida State
He got fast enough to go to FSU by running away from kids making fun of his name
Aukoso Tuiolemotu, OL San Diego State
Had one of those, got it removed before it became cancerous
Giovanni Vendemia, WR Penn State
Was he the Sopranos character that whacked the pimp who was late on his payments or Tony’s nervous neighbor?
Byungwoo Yun, PK Western Michigan
Isn’t that the movie where Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes dress in drag?
2002 CFN All-Name Recruiting Team
Ajenavi Eziemefe, RB Georgia Tech
I-Perfection Harris, DB Georgia Tech
1) He’d better not just be good, not just great, but really, really something special when covering the top ACC receivers or he’s going to hear it. … 2) Because I-Above Average Harris just didn’t have a nice ring to it. … 3) His brother, U-Dumbass Harris went to Georgia (that’s for you, Tech fans).
Ian Firestone, WR North Carolina
If the football thing doesn’t work out, he’ll starts a Canadian version of Up Close where he’ll try to make athletes cry.
D’Brickashaw Ferguson, OL Virginia
He’s D’Bricka (da na na) shaw (da da da da) He’s mightee mightee, letting it awwwl hang out.
Tony Franklin, RB Virgina
His barefoot kicking style doesn’t translate to running back.
Kyle Van Winkle, QB Iowa State
Older brother Rip had a great arm, decent vision, slept through classes
Nick Rhodes, WR Texas A&M
With Duran Duran’s career over, the Aggies made a late push for Simon LeBon as well. (NOTE: I got yelled at for this by Duran Duran management)
Fletcher Session, LB Texas Tech
Sounds like the perfect couples therapist.
Micah Sweats, S Texas Tech
No one wants the locker next to his.
Vernon Botts, LB Pittsburgh
Also the name of an obscure Comedy Central show where dorks battle it out in a cage.
Joshua Veal, OL Houston
Brother Parmesan Veal is a little more tender and plays with more of saucy streak.
Gavin Smart, WR Louisville and Jimmy Strong, CB Louisville
These two should wage some interesting battles in practice.
James Taylor, WR Louisville
Positives: Saw fire, rain and sunny days he thought would never end. Negatives: Saw lonely times when he could not find a friend.
John Douchette, TE Memphis
You can only pass it to him on the left hand side
Favian Bean, TE/DL Missouri
Goes well with liver and a nice Chianti … have the Huskers stopped screaming, Clarice?
Marcus Guerrero-Bacon, WR/DB Missouri
Let’s see … Marcus Guerrero Bacon will play for Missouri, Missouri lost to Colorado, Colorado lost to Oregon, the Oregon campus was where Animal House was filmed, Kevin Bacon was in Animal House. Less than six moves!
Michael DePriest, WR Texas Christian
You’d figure he’d have been a lock for Notre Dame or Boston College
Reggie La’Mothe, FB Texas Christian
Lucky he isn’t a bad defensive back or La’Mothe would be called La’Flame
Ziggy Goryn, TE Connecticut
Lacks size, hair and luck.
Dominique Bacon, DE Troy State
Dominique Bacon plays for Troy State, Troy State lost to Nebraska, Nebraska lost to Colorado …
Tank Tunstalle, RB Marshall
You can’t exactly be a slasher with this name.
Joe Chapple, WR Western Michigan and Christian Hodges, S Western Michigan’s Willie Pope, DB Western Michigan, and TCU WR Michael DePriest should’ve joined this group.
Paul Tithof, LB Western Michigan
You just know his sister was teased a lot
Manasse Zaphir, DB Eastern Michigan
The master of the pan flute takes his talents to Ypsilanti.
Ferron Fonoimoana, WR BYU
Is that the stuff they like to sell on sports radio ads that’s supposed to attract girls?
Juan Valentine, WR Arizona
The perfect Latin porn star name
Tim Fa’aita, OL Arizona State
The Sun Devils need the 315 pounder to get Ski’innia
Ishmael Thrower, DL Arizona State
He needs to be Ishmael Tackler. (rim shot)
Flamingo Malone, TE/DB Washington State
Wasn’t he a character played by Matt Dillon?
Nick Mihlhauser, OL Washington State
Has blue hair, glasses and gets picks on by Nelson Muntz.
Wes Rainwater, RB/DB Washington State
He HAD to play in the Pacific Northwest.
Tony Ugoh, OL Arkansas
His sister had better be hot.
Chaffin Brock, DB Arkansas State
A little talcum powder should take care of that.
Prince Ogbekile, DL Arkansas State
You have to bow when you block him.