Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1

Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1

College Football Cavalcade

Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1

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“They got me waiting in the lobby!”

At the midway point of the season, who’s really the No. 1 team in college football right now. Calling in the first applicant …

And you are …

The Team: Alabama Crimson Tide

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?

The Team: We have an ungodly group of NFL offensive talent and …

The Public: Stop. Don’t care. So do others in the lobby. Keep it to what you’ve done, please.

The Team: No one has come closer than 19 points, and even that game against Texas A&M was a wipeout …

The Public: Good … go on …

The Team: We’re averaging 51 points per game and haven’t had a lick of drama yet. We score at will, there haven’t been any issues so far as we do whatever we want offensively, whenever we want.

The Public: And the defense? You’re sort of soft – for you – against the run, the secondary looks a tad questionable, and what’s with all the penalties?

The Team: Yeah, working on it … and we’re still destroying everyone so far.

The Public: And you’ve played someone really, really good, of course.

The Team: That’s coming, but …

The Public: NEXT

The Team: Clemson Tigers

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?

The Team: Well, we’re the defending national champs and we’re unbea ….

The Public: Thank you … NEXT

The Team: Wait, what?

The Public: We don’t care about what you might have done last season. If that’s what you’re leading with, move along …

The Team: But we have the No. 1 pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, as much NFL talent as anyone, and …

The Public: Thank you for coming in … NEXT …

The Team: Wait … wait. Okay. We haven’t played up to our full capabilities yet, but even with that we’re still 6-0, we’re allowing just 12 points per game, the defense is third in the nation, and we really do have the elite skill talent to blow up at any time. All the pieces are there to look and play like the top team in college football, and …

The Public: What’s this 21-20 close call against North Carolina that we’re seeing here?

The Team: Yes, but we managed to pull that out in the final moments, and …

The Public: Thank you … NEXT ….

The Team: LSU Tigers (comes in, sits down, puts feet up on desk)

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1, and don’t you own socks?

The Team: (with a wry smile) 45 points at Texas. 42 points against Florida. 6-0. No. 1 in the nation in scoring. No. 2 in the nation in passing. No. 2 in the nation in total offense …

The Public: Very nice. But about this defense, it’s okay, but in those big games …

The Team: Don’t need one. It’s good enough. No one can stop us. (Gets up and walks out the door)

The Public: Wait … WAIT! You want your parking validated? NEXT!

The Team: Oklahoma Sooners

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?

The Team: We have the No. 1 offense, the most efficient passing attack, the most exciting player going in college football right now, and yeah, we have a little bit of a defense this year. And …

The Public: And the good defense your No. 1 offense has gone against?

The Team: We just rolled up Texas to go to 6-0 and …

The Public: Thank you … NEXT …

The Team: Ohio State Buckeyes

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?

The Team: No one has come remotely close to being able to hang with us. We won two conference road games by a combined score of 99-17, and …

The Public: Against Indiana and Nebraska.

The Team: Yeah, but those were conference games, and we ripped up Michigan State 34-10, and handed Cincinnati is only loss with a 42-0 blasting, and …

The Public: Really, you’re bragging about Cincinnati as your big non-conference win? And what Power Five victories do you have when you’re not dealing with the violent storms that are Nebraska and Indiana?

The Team: But that’s our schedule, and we’ve been flawless so far, and …

The Public: Sold. We’ll discuss later. Thank you … NEXT …

The Team: Wisconsin Badgers

The Public: And why do you think you should be No. 1?

The Team: Because we are No. 1.

The Public: Exsqueeze me?

The Team: No. 1 in total defense. No. 1 in scoring defense, rush defense, pass defense, third down defense, time of possession …

The Public: Okay, okay … but we see here that all of your games have been at home except for the opener against USF …

The Team: Yeah, but we’ve pitched four shutouts in six games, which hasn’t been done since the 1960s, and we’re the only team that hasn’t trailed in any game this year.

The Public: But … Central Michigan, Kent State?

The Team: And Michigan, and Michigan State. Neither team was ever in the game against us. We hammered the Spartans worse than Ohio State did, and the Wolverines were done when they got off the bus.

The Public: Interesting … do us a favor. Give us a holler in a few weeks after your trip to Columbus and we’ll talk, mmmkay? NEXT! … Georgia? Did they leave already?

NEXT: Speaking of the Dawgs …

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