Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1

Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1

College Football Cavalcade

Cavalcade of Whimsy: State Your Case For No. 1


Stating the case for No. 1, the Georgia loss, and the Penn State letter, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.

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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

I have long hair and I don’t have a mirror (both are literally true at the moment) …

There’s about a 99.999999999% chance that anything that begins with “My wife and I are proud ‘older’ graduates of Penn state” will soon go very, very, very wrong …

Oh, so NOW you can read, Penn State people? 

Some misguided old guy apparently doesn’t care too much for long hair on African-American athletes, and the whole school goes bonkers.

“Ohhhhh, we need to go on social media and see who can condemn the letter the most! Ohhhhh, and as a school, we need to send out a stern response, and we need a press conference saying we like and support all of our students and players, just in case there’s someone on Neptune who isn’t capable of comprehending on their own just how obviously off that letter is. And … oh, OHHHHHHHHH. T-SHIRTS!!!!!! WE … NEED … T-SHIRTS, because it’s vital to show school solidarity against misguided old farty guys, and NOTHING in this country in 2019 makes misguided old farty guys more woke than a young person wearing a smartly-worded t-shirt!!!”

Actually, well done, Penn State. That’s how to immediately rally around something like this to show your full and unmeasured support as a community, except when it comes to being afraid of an NCAA violation when the players wore those shirts, but that’s for another time. With that said …


To those who did the easy thing and went off on this letter, have you all read the Freeh Report yet to get some sort of a historical grasp on why the words Penn State are still so cringeworthy for so many people?

“Uhhhhhhh, haven’t had time. We don’t pay attention to that stuff. That’s all in the past. We have to move on. We just have to go about our business and take care of what we can take care of. We weren’t involved in any of that, and … Michigan is up next. WHITE OUT … we’re having a WHITE OUT!!! You know, one of the best atmospheres in college football! WE ARE … ”

I asked dozens and dozens of Penn State people, players and coaches over the course of that nightmarish time whether or not they read the Freeh Report, or kept up with the reporting of Sara Ganim and others, or were willing to take any semblance of a public stand against the unrelenting screams from the JoeBots, and … crickets.

And that included several “clean cut” Penn State athletes, too …

And with it all, apparently, comes this delightful colonoscopy thing that the kids are all raving about …

Since I’m about ten minutes away from crossing the border into being one of these old guys who gets in trouble for saying or writing something that doesn’t get accepted as kosher, let’s get it all out of the way now.

Like all people, I have ingrained biases and issues with and against certain things. So for the record, here are the main ones living deep in my brain. I’ll cut to the chase and release them now, so everyone can fire away, look and point at the bad, silly man, and we can get to the good place faster.

FOR THE GLORY, I’m biased against …

Short NFL quarterbacks; country music; Group of Five programs who whine about not getting enough respect despite mostly playing other Group of Five programs; women who obviously use botox; double that if they’re wearing a shirt that says Spiritual Gangster; coaches who go for two before they absolutely have to; paper straws; takeout people who turn the screen around to see if I added a tip after they did nothing but take-bag-hand-bag; FBS teams playing FCS teams; bikers when I’m driving and drivers when I’m biking; teams that can’t effectively run the ball; drivers who don’t look up from their phones when the light is green; teams wearing alternative uniforms instead of the iconic ones; waitstaff who don’t keep my Diet Coke glass constantly filled; people who want to brag that they saw Hamilton even though it wasn’t with Lin-Manuel Miranda, which makes it the equivalent of seeing a Radiohead cover band instead of Radiohead, and …

People who aren’t really, really excited about what’s shaping up to be a whale of a second half of the 2019 college football season.

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