Cavalcade of Whimsy: Blaming Bama's Student Section, The Unsung Head Coach, Tebow Going Tebow

Cavalcade of Whimsy: Blaming Bama's Student Section, The Unsung Head Coach, Tebow Going Tebow

Cavalcade of Whimsy

Cavalcade of Whimsy: Blaming Bama's Student Section, The Unsung Head Coach, Tebow Going Tebow

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Blaming Bama’s student section, the unsung head coach, Tebow going Tebow, in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.


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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

It would’ve been better, but the Alabama students stopped reading early. If only I had an app that could track their every waking moment so I can apply a terse chastising when they’re not being 100% loyal to the column …

And they get the cushy housing, and they get the tutoring, and they get the special meals, and they get to travel, and they get the hero worship, and they get the hotels and per diems on road trips, and …

Alabama students bolting early in blowout games has been an issue for a while now, and Nick Saban had a few comments about those who didn’t stick it out for the full four quarters – despite the ungodly heat – in the 62-10 nail-biter over New Mexico State. 

“If I asked that whole student section, ‘Do you want to be No. 1?’ Nobody would hold their hand up and say ‘I want to be No. 4.’ They would all say No. 1,” … “But are they willing to do everything to be No. 1? That’s another question.”

To the good students of the University of Alabama, please allow me to handle this beach ball of a hanging curve for you.

If this was about a coach wanting to fire up the students and make them feel like a part of the program, then great. But that’s not what this is. The app with the loyalty points and the tracking of the students to see who’s staying and who’s not takes things to a bad, bad place.

First of all, Alabama football is there to entertain us. Coach Saban, you exist for our amusement.

The second thing you’re missing, Nick? You’re coaching a dumb game that’s supposed to be a whole lot of fun, especially for the students.

You’re the multi-generational wealthy adult with the limitless bound-by-nothing resources to create a football team that represents the University of Alabama. It’s not on the student body to do ANYTHING. It’s your job to win football games whether or not there are 100 fans in the stands or 100,000.

It’s the job of the Alabama students to go to class, learn, be silly, figure out what they want to do with their lives, and show up to football games, if they so choose, to get away and enjoy themselves. If that’s for a few minutes, a few quarters, or a few hours, that’s up to them – they’ve earned it.

But if we’re really going to make this all about football, are your players so soft that you’re worried about them not playing their best if a few students leave early in a 50-point blowout in 95-degree heat?

Your players can take the coaching you dish out, but OH NO … Alabama football won’t be No. 1 because Chaz and Maisy left in the third quarter to get ahead on their Geology 101 paper.

Won’t someone PLEASE think of the fourth-stringers?

If you really believe that the difference between being No. 1 and No. 4 is a student section sitting there doing the perfect cheer at a glorified scrimmage, then that Clemson thing that’s in your kitchen making oatmeal chocolate chip crownies has already won.

But okay, let’s go with it. Let’s run with the premise that the difference between being great and winning the national championship really comes down to the students staying in their seats until the show is over.

You obviously know what you’re doing when it comes to this college football coaching thing, and if you really think that this is the difference, then who am I – but a mere mortal – to say that you’re wrong?

So here’s the deal.

If I can get the Alabama students to sit through the entire game – no matter what the score or the weather – so your soft-ass team can feel the positive affirmation and warm fuzzies necessary to go on to win a national championship, then EVERY Alabama student receives 1) a championship ring – SEC and/or national championship, 2) the bowl game swag bags full of cash and prizes, and 3) a full ride scholarship, because according to you, they’re a part of this.

Are we cool? No, of course not, because …

“Man it’s hot. It’s like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn’t take this kind of hot.”

If you willingly choose to live in Minneapolis, you’re accepting that it’s going to be stupid-cold in January.

If you willingly choose to live in Seattle, you’re accepting that it’s going to rain once in a while.

If you willing choose to live near a Chick-fil-A – which I FINALLY will, as our long national nightmare is over with one being built within reasonable driving distance – you’re accepting that you’ll be fat.

If you willingly choose to live in Alabama, then you can’t whine and complain that it’s brutally hot during the day in September. You signed up for this, and that means if you have to play a football game in the morning in the sun, then you’re going to sweat.

As Northwestern head coach Pat Fitzgerald put it, “you get up, you eat breakfast, and you go play.”

Drink more water. Get a portable fan.

Look over there … a piece of tin foil … and it’s so shiny!

It’s really hot … the students must stay and watch Alabama football blowout porn … a game might start a little earlier than normal … the schedule is SO much tougher than Clemson’s … you’ve got the burden of profiting off your likeness by doing these AFLAC commercials … but, of course there are never, ever any outside distractions when it comes to Alabama football.

You lose focus, and you’re No. 4.

DO YOU WANT TO BE NO. 1?!

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