The Clemson vs. Alabama world, Jim Harbaugh’s world, and the most important thing in the college football world, in the 2019 season debut of the Cavalcade of Whimsy.
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
You try writing a column without using the word THE.
Along with trying to own THE, also sent to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office is the application to trademark America’s Safety School …
Just like there’s no need to go the extra word-step and say, use, or print on a t-shirt Dallas Cowboys Football, or New York Yankees Baseball, or Love Island Casual Sex …
Is there another Ohio State University to necessitate the THE?
It’s not like anyone is confusing it with Ohio University, or University System of Ohio, or International House of Ohio State University, or Ohio State University of Pennsylvania, or the more commonly-used knock-off, Señor Ohio State Speilbergo.
Is it A Ohio State University? No, it’s THE Ohio State University, and Michigan can’t beat ITS football team.
Push out the jive …
Problem One: There’s no truth to the rumor that Miami is trying to trademark the U in John U. Bacon.
Problem Two: If you write brilliant books about college football, there’s no excuse not to go by Johnny U. – like anyone under the age of death knows who Johnny Unitas was – or Johnny Bacon.
Problem Three: If you’re going to randomly throw out for the public that it’s “hard to beat the cheaters” when it comes to recruiting – like Jim Harbaugh states in Bacon’s book, Overtime: Jim Harbaugh and the Michigan Wolverines at the Crossroads of College Football, then bring it, honey.
You’re bound by absolutely nothing, Jim Harbaugh.
You’re the innovative, calculated-wacky head coach who’s not afraid to stir it up, ruffle feathers, poke the bear, and any other cliché you can come up with. So … who’s cheating?
Call it out. Who’s doing this? Why is there any point in hiding what you’re alleging?
Who did you lose a recruit to because of a bag of cash, a Trans Am, or a new tractor?
Is Alabama ALA-freaking-BAMA because it’s paying the players who might have otherwise thought about going to Ann Arbor?
Did Florida beat your Wolverines in the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl by a gazillion because the Gator players were being given a delightful potpourri of cash and prizes?
Can your team not beat THE Ohio State University because you think THE Buckeye players are given more cars than a 2004 Oprah audience?
If you’re not going to tell the world who the cheaters are, and knowing that absolutely nobody cares if players really are getting something on the side – mainly because it’s 2019, and the rational-thinking world realizes how stupid the system is – then who’s the sucker for not playing the game the actual right way instead of the NCAA rulebook version?
Rubbin’, son, is racin’.
Bring in the love …
I know you don’t want to hear it, America, but since taking over the Michigan head coaching job, Jim Harbaugh has been one of the best head coaches in college football.
Boise State’s Bryan Harsin is up there with 40 wins over the last four seasons. During that span, Scott Satterfield won 40 games at Appalachian State before leaving for Louisville, Rocky Long won 39 at San Diego State, and Tom Herman split up 39 wins between Houston and Texas.
That’s all super, but we live in a Power Five world.
Dabo (55), Saban (55), Urban (45), Paul Chryst (42), David Shaw (40) and Chris Petersen (39). Those are the only six head coaches with more wins at a Power Five school over the last four years than Harbaugh and his 38, which ties him with another oft-maligned head man, Penn State’s James Franklin.
Sure, Harbaugh has had all the advantages at Michigan, and the facilities, and the breaks from getting to coach at a monster program. You know who else has great infrastructure and lots and lots and lots of major positives?
Notre Dame, Tennessee, Texas, USC, UCLA, LSU, South Carolina, Texas A&M, Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Miami, Oklahoma State, Michigan State, Iowa, Nebraska.
Over the last four years, Michigan has won more games than all of those powerhouse football schools.
So as the season goes on and the question gets asked over and over and over again about whether or not Harbaugh can beat Ohio State and/or “win the big one,” the answer is simple.
If you’re not happy with winning 38 college football games in four years at a Power Five school, then who do you have waiting in the bullpen who’ll win 39 or more?