Why Trevor Lawrence needs to start, the amazing quarterbacks, and the big things to take away from Week 4 … in the Cavalcade of Whimsy.
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
Oooops … I stepped on the pylon as I was running in for a sure touchdown. The score was taken off the board, but whatever … my offense is humming and I’ve all but got this thing wrapped up.
What could POSSIBLY go wro …
Relax, Oregon fans. If you had won, you would’ve had crazy dreams of winning the Pac-12 and possibly going to the College Football Playoff, and then you would’ve had to deal with ….
You mean, besides your team’s inability to cover the spread against A&M?
I was going to do the lazy-ass writer thing and say something bad about Alabama, and then I realized something …
Dude, you’re making $12 million a year. Motivate your own damn team.
So here’s the deal, Saban. I’ll be more than happy to write negative things about Alabama football all season long to keep this juggernaut’s head from ballooning out of control, but I want my cut.
While you’re up there pimping out AT&T, Nike and the Coca-Cola Company – college athletes can’t do endorsement deals, why? – throw some of that fun money my way. And if you don’t, I might just go to Clemson and start insulting Dabo’s boys.
Well, hello, Kirby Smart. Yesssss, I’ve got plenty of on-field national championship videos on my phone I can play on a loop over and over and over again to get your Dawgs to stop dropping the ball before crossing the goal line.
And don’t get me started on what I could do with Ohio State. I can just text my “motivational thoughts” to the coaching staff, or to Shelley Meyer. I’m sure she’ll pass them along.
Nick, you only have 5,683 different coaches and “advisors” on your school’s payroll – I’m just a rounding error.
You think your players are intimidated by you? Just wait until I go Glengarry Glen Ross Alec Baldwin on them.
Oh yes, I’ll do it. I’ll be the missing piece in another national championship, but if you want your guys to play, you’ve got to pay.