2017 Crowley Sullivan’s Preseason Thoughts & Prayers
Crowley Sullivan is a 20-year sports-media veteran having spent ten years at ESPN as a producer, programmer, content creator, business developer, and brand manager. He now serves a EVP, Planning/GM, Sports for MandtVR, a content creation platform that emphasizes Virtual Reality initiatives.
Bother Crowley at @CrowleySullivan
Thoughts & Prayers – After Week 2
Bravo to the folks from Georgia who ventured way, way, way up into the far, far upper regions of the United States of America this past weekend.
You folks showed up in full force and found out that people speak English up there, American currency is accepted up there, and college football teams that dare to enter Notre Dame Stadium to play against Notre Dame win lots and lots of games.
Before we get carried away with anointing Kirby Smith as the new king, here’s a sampling of football programs that have gone into South Bend and come away with cereal box prizes over recent years …
United States Naval Academy (we salute the troops)
Connecticut (Men’s Tackle Football, not Women’s Basketball)
And that special Notre Dame pride we all love to hear about? The greatest program in the history of college football, according to Notre Damers, showed…..something…..by allowing their hallowed grounds to be transformed into Chickamauga.
ESOPHOGEAL SPASM SEASON ARRIVING EARLIER THAN USUAL
Time for Ohio State people to accept a reality: We are closer to the end of the Urban Meyer Era in Columbus than we are to the beginning of it.
Was Urban on bed rest last week?
Columbus’s professional football team’s last three games look like this:
Dabo – 31
Urban Meyer – 0
Urban Meyer – 49
John Mellencamp – 21
Baker Mayfield – 31
Urban Meyer – 16
Lincoln Riley looked like Jose Raul Capablanca on Saturday evening.
And Urban Meyer looked like Ed Taubensee.
The boat is leaking, people. And it’s leaking in the way that the grease from a really well-prepared (and hot) Domino’s Pizza leaks out of the triangular-shaped cardboard container of a single slice of its delicious pizza.
That sort of leak isn’t necessarily a powerful-stream type of leak. It’s more of a leak that seeps through the triangular-shaped container and, before you even know it, your trousers are covered in pizza grease and you’re forced to sop up the pizza grease with your hands and lick your hands since nobody ever dares to let perfectly good pizza grease go to waste.
In my first column for the 2017 season, I encouraged readers to send in questions, comments, thoughts, etc.
To NDforever2010@yahoo.com – thanks for your email in which you told me I’m a moran (sic) for including my commentary on the weird way in which grocery store clerks ask if I want my milk to be put into a bag when I’m checking out.
I can see where you’d think that the topic was unusual. Let me know what the relevance of your Sofia Vergara dressed-in-a-thong-and-see-through-tank-top email avatar is and I’ll fill you in on the meaning of my grocery store bit.
THE DANGERS OF DOUBTING DABO
I doubted Dabo heading into the matchup against Auburn.
I also thought that hurricanes were just conspiratorial fabrications conjured up by people who stand to experience financial and political gain through the climate change narrative.
If I was Dabo, I’d be scratching my head over why and how any other football team than mine would warrant a No. 1 ranking.
“Cheers” was a phenomenal television program. Everyone knows that. But, Sammy’s schtick got a little stale towards the tail end there.
And, eventually, “Seinfeld” showed up.
“Seinfeld” didn’t make “Cheers” bad, per se.
But if anyone wants to argue that “Cheers” warranted top dog status once “Seinfeld” came along, I’d like to tell them how and why The Captain & Tennille just had more meat on the bone, so to speak, than The Carpenters.
BeefyBonz@gmail.com thinks I’m really bad at writing and that I don’t know anything about college football.
Someone remind me to relieve the United States Marine who I have stationed at BeefyBonz’s house with a loaded semi-automatic rifle pointed at BeefyBonz’s face forcing him to read the words that I write.
This guy sat there and said that beating Pitt is like beating Akron – after he said that he knew Pitt viewed their win over Penn State last year like their Super Bowl.
I like the notion of stirring up rivalry stuff. It’s part of what makes this all so much fun.
What I don’t like, however, are jerky gym teachers.
Just prior to our annual battle against Faith, Hope, and Charity, my 8th grade football coach said to me and my fifteen Sacred Heart teammates, “Men – you’ll remember this day for the rest of your lives. Take advantage of this opportunity to show these guys that YOU are the TRUE Blue Bloods of the North Shore Catholic Grammar School League.
If they beat you today, they’ll be able to hold it over your heads for the rest of your lives. So, let’s go out there and kick their asses – and then, afterwards, when I say to the press that beating Faith, Hope, and Charity is really only like beating Saint Francis Xavier, don’t read into that too much – I’m just gonna be trying to stick the knife into Coach Happ’s side a little bit and make sure that he buys me my beer at Seul’s for the next six months…..”
The sixteen of us sat there silently.
Faith, Hope, and Charity beat us that day 36-6 (we failed on a late two-point conversion attempt when Baisley dropped a pass I put right on his numbers).
But back to Frankie.
Maybe I’m just an old school sort of fella – but, if I was the head football coach at Penn State these days, I’d focus on coaching the team, keeping my players out of jail, and making sure my assistant coaches didn’t use the program’s facilities as their own amusement park suited for bacchanalia.
Franko – love the passion. And you are a Big Ten Champion.
But dial it down just a tad and you might get better treatment come College Football Playoff Selection time.
ETHAN ALLEN WILDFLOWER PILLOW FIGHT
Tennessee has found a way to beat Florida five times in the last twenty-five matchups between these two rivals.
Not too shabby.
Florida’s current squad might not have defeated Faith, Hope, and Charity on the aforementioned fateful afternoon in 1985.
Jim McElwain has held clandestine tryouts this week for students and faculty with eligibility left for the quarterback position.
Coach McElwain has also started a GoFundMe campaign thing to see if he can use a substitute offensive coordinator for whoever his current offensive coordinator is.
Coach McElwain has also asked First Responders if they would like to suit up this Saturday.
Coach Jones is a win away from being a #ChampionOfLife for a day.
Despite a final score of 11-6 in favor of someone, we’ll all be told that this is a war between two powers since It Just Means More.
LIVING UP TO THE STANDARDS ESTABLISHED BY BOB WARD
I see you, DJ Master Flash Durkin Donuts Football Coach Person.
Central Florida and then PJ Fluke are next up for the Maryland Terps.
Take care of business and you’ll strut into Ohio Stadium with a chance to make everyone forget about the long line of legendary Maryland football coaches.
Imagine what the pressure must be like to step into the role of top Terp.
The ghosts of Mark Duffner, Joe Krivak, Roy Lester and so many others are impossible to escape.
Back in 1969, as we all recall, Bob Ward was dismissed after a meeting where the players were given the forum to voice their grievances with Coach Ward’s style to Ward and Terp AD, Jim Kehoe. Two days later, Coach Ward stepped down.
The controversial end to the Bob Ward Era inspired one-time Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno – who passed away not long after retirement – to write a letter to the American Football Coaches Association demanding an investigation to find out what was going on behind the curtain of the Maryland Football Program.
It reminds me of how Coach Art Briles was hired by the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger-Cats and then, a day or two later, un-hired since the Ti-Cats fans thought it was an unusual hire which motivated Joe B. Hall to write a letter to the Canadian Prime Minister saying that #CAB wasn’t being treated fairly.
I admire the way these coaches stick up for one another.
Josh Rosen – you can only choose one of the following:
Winning the Heisman Trophy
Being paid dollars to play college football since it’s so difficult to juggle the rigors of being a football player AND a student.
PHAN MALE (SOMEONE NOTICED?)
From DaveGoCanes@yahoo.org –
“Sullivan – you’re a terrible writer and I’ve noticed that you haven’t yet ripped on the Canes but you don’t even write your essays every week any more why not where was the article last week”
Thanks for the uniquely-crafted, creatively-structured, run-on-sentence email, Dave. And thanks for even noticing that I hadn’t written in a week or two. The reason I hadn’t written was because I just didn’t feel like it.
THE GOLDEN RHULE
Baylor Football seems to have caught its jacket on a nail sticking out of the wall or something.
I can’t quite put my finger on it but the Bears aren’t firing on all cylinders.
It’s unfortunate since we all know what Poofer Stinglebrick said for years – “College Football is always better when the Baylor Bears have the potential to achieve a .500 record.”
BATTLE FOR THE ISLE OF MAN TOURIST TROPHY
Bobby Petrino thinks he’s gonna get it this week.
He sees this as a giant step in his attempt to return to the mountaintop.
He’s envisioning New York Times articles being written about the way in which he’s rebuilt his life, worked hard, dedicated himself to the kids, and found a personal relationship with God.
Dabo – 26
Giacomo Agostini – 16
COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRAVEL TIPS
When in the Dayton International Airport, be sure to stop by the combo newsstand/snack place in Terminal B and get a blueberry muffin.
The muffin itself was modest in size, pretty dry and there weren’t very many blueberries mixed into the muffin (and the disbursement of the blueberries had a very poor proportionality) but it curbed my early morning hunger for about twenty minutes.