Daily Cavalcade: College Football Alternative Facts
The world where the truths are questionable – they’re the college football alternative facts, in the Daily Cavalcade of Whimsy.
– Contact/Follow @PeteFiutak
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
The lunch lasted a little bit longer than expected.
“No, no he’s not dead. He’s, he’s restin’. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage.”
Now that we live in this super-awesome new world where everyone can just make (bleep) up and it’s all cool, a whole new avenue has opened up to make my life a lot easier.
I’m all for it. Now I can just say and write whatever I want – like I don’t do that already – to battle the other side on every and any debate. In the meantime, here’s a slice of the alternative facts I’m going with throughout the offseason. You don’t stand a chance …
It was in the mutually agreeable best interest of Lane Kiffin for him to assume his Florida Atlantic responsibilities a week early.
Coaching had nothing to do with the outcome of Notre Dame’s loss to Duke.
Football-playing children, with four and five stars next to their names, make their respective college choices based on the best place to get a degree.
(Insert distraction here) isn’t a distraction.
Three words: meaningful bowl game.
This was the largest audience to ever witness a (insert name here) bowl game, period.
Lamar Jackson was the best college football player of the 2016 season.
This is an important college basketball regular season game.
The NFL Draft real work begins after the second round.
Winning the Big Ten Championship helps the healing process.
Group of Five programs are going to be deep in the College Football Playoff hunt.
(Insert team here) won because of its physicality.
It’s important to lock up a coach with a lengthy contract extension.
“I’ll be your coach by the time you graduate.”
(Insert NFL coach – or Jon Gruden – here) is on (insert giant football program here after firing its head coach)’s Wish List.
Women dig men who talk National Signing Day on a first date.
Women dig snarky college football writers.
“Wow … that (insert school of choice’s band here) halftime rendition of Convoy was fan-TAS-tic!”
“Our goal is to win the SEC Championship.”
(Insert assistant coach here) and (insert school here) have mutually agreed to part ways, and we wish him well.
“Our goal is to win the SEC Championship.” – Every SEC coach not named Saban
He passed the concussion protocol.
“We recruit to a type.”
Nick Saban is on (insert giant football program here after firing its head coach)’s Wish List.
(Insert school here) has the best fans in college football!
Really, not winning your conference and losing to the league winner shouldn’t mean anything for the College Football Playoff.
The outcome of the game can’t be changed after it’s over, even if there was a mistake by the officials that would’ve ended it.
(Insert winning coach at Group of Five school here) is happy where he’s at and isn’t looking around at other opportunities.
Really, winning a Power Five conference championship with a miserable strength of schedule shouldn’t mean anything for the College Football Playoff.
(Insert winning coach at Power Five school here) is happy where he’s at and isn’t looking around at other opportunities.
No Alabama defensive back was wiped out on Clemson’s national championship-winning touchdown pass.
NFL scouts downgrade players who leave early/skip bowl game.
“I knew Dak Prescott would be a star NFL quarterback.”
(Insert winning coach at championship-level Power Five school here) is happy where he’s at and isn’t looking around at the NFL.
(Insert agent of coach at championship-level Power Five school here) won’t confirm or deny that (insert coach at championship-level Power Five school) is or isn’t interested – as far as (insert Power Five school here who might have to find a few more dollars for a contract extension) knows.
Sorry if this column sucked, it’s not my fault …
It was a really, really good piece. It’ll have the largest audience to ever read an article, period. Both in person and around the globe.