Daily Cavalcade: NFL Free Agent Quarterbacks? No, You Have To Draft One.
NFL teams are losing their minds trying to find a capable professional quarterback like Jimmy Garoppolo or Mike Glennon. Here’s why you have to draft one.
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …
I’m going to spend $15 million and all I’ll get is this lousy quarterback.
Quarterbacks, quarterbacks everywhere, nor any drop to drink
Let’s pretend for a moment that you’re a boorish, superficial, single-like-a-Pringle male in the world’s greatest bar and in need of a mate.
For purposes of this politically incorrect exercise, 1) personality schmersonality, as you go full on live Tinder, caring only about the exterior packaging of a woman’s skin-and-bone-structure. And 2) you actually have a say in the matter.
In walks Tom Brady with Gisele and Bridget Moynahan.
Gisele is off the table – no chance – but it’s being floated out there Moynahan might be available for you to make your pitch. However, if you go after Moynahan – if this whole scenario works better for you with male models/athletes/actors, or Taco Bell products, by all means, bail me out and replace where needed – that’s it. You have to make a massive commitment to land her, since she has several other suitors ready to step in if you whiff.
Also thrown into the equation, there’s still a chance that Brady wants to keep her around in case Bündchen loses her fastball or bolts for DiCaprio.
But here’s the problem. If you go all in on Moynahan, while she’s fine, you don’t have Gisele – or any one of 20 other more famous, subjectively better-looking women in the bar.
Beyonce is over in the corner with Jay-Z, Kate Upton is over there doing some pool dance for Justin Verlander, and Nina Agdal is at a table having drinks with DiCaprio. If you end up with Moynahan, you’re not posing on the red carpet, you’re not getting any magazine covers, and you’re not getting interviewed by Kit Hoover.
Meanwhile, just outside the bar waiting to come in are a slew of very attractive, aspiring actress/model-type young women who’d probably like to meet you.
Now, you could date Moynahan and try to get one of these other young ones to hang around on the side, but that would cause a whole slew of tense issues for all parties involved until you fully commit to one of them. Or, you could try to figure out which of the new, young girls might turn out to be what you want, and then you’re all in waiting to see what happens over the next few years – which leads to another problem.
Brad Pitt is alone buying shots over by the Golden Tee game, and he has his pick of any of the amazing young women he wants.
And let this be the last time anyone compares the Cleveland Browns to Brad Pitt.
Yeah, if you’re an NFL team in desperate need of a quarterback, you can try to find someone to fill the job without drafting one early, but where are you then?
Quarterbacks move around all the time and succeed – Drew Brees to New Orleans, Peyton Manning to Denver – but in recent NFL history has a clear No. 2 NFL backup gone to another team and taken it to a Super Bowl-caliber level?
Kurt Warner ended up in Arizona and got to a Super Bowl – but that’s Kurt Warner.
Carson Palmer going to Arizona after Cincinnati bought in on Andy Dalton is one – but that’s Carson Palmer.
Maybe Brett Favre after Green Bay was all in on Aaron Rogers – but that’s Brett Favre.
Joe Montana went to Kansas City after San Francisco committed to Steve Young, and Alex Smith – don’t scoff; he’s had a better career than you think – also left the 49ers for the Chiefs. But again, that’s Joe Montana, and Smith was a No. 1 overall pick.
Washington committed to Jeff George back in 2001, allowing Brad Johnson to leave and take Tampa Bay to a title, and there have been statistical stars – like a Matt Schaub here and a Kyle Orton there – but for the most part, if you’re getting a quarterback someone else doesn’t want, there’s a reason.
Friends don’t let friends quarterback goggle and let them sign Matt Flynn/Rob Johnson-level backups who haven’t done anything. You have to actually either break the bank on a proven commodity like a Kirk Cousins, or you have to suck it up and draft your quarterback and develop him.
Really? Can you envision Mike Glennon holding up the Lombardi?
We got it, Cleveland. You might like Jimmy Garappolo so you can take Myles Garrett with the first pick and go big with the 12, too – depending on what you have to do to get him – but really, if he was the next Tom Brady, Bill Belichick would find a way to keep him.
The same goes for Chicago, who’s rumored to be interested in Glennon, so it can take a superstar defensive prospect at the three.
Last season, how many of the top 25 quarterbacks in passing yards weren’t acquired on or around draft day by their current teams?
Drew Brees was a Pro Bowler for San Diego before going to New Orleans as a free agent, and Palmer, Smith and Sam Bradford were No. 1 overall picks. That leaves Baltimore-drafted Tyrod Taylor – the 25th top passer in yards last year – as the only scrubby backup-made-good retread quarterback who did anything remotely positive.
To go full on Belichick – Cleveland, San Francisco, Chicago, do … your … job. Figure this out. Decide whether it’s Mitchell Trubisky, DeShone Kizer, Deshaun Watson, Patrick Mahomes, Brad Kaaya, or any one of a number of solid prospects in this year’s draft, because the chances of getting to a Super Bowl level without a homegrown star are slim. Or suck it up, suck, and get in the Sam Darnold, Josh Allen, Josh Rosen 2018 draft sweepstakes.
By that time – considering Brady will be 42 going into the 2018 season – New England will probably be at the bar looking for a date of its own.
Browns, 49ers and Bears, make the right call in the draft, and in two years, you’ll be home with your soulmate, on the couch binge-watching Netflix.