CFN

2016 Cavalcade Of Whimsy College Football Party Platform

Jan 8, 2016; Phoenix, AZ, USA; The College Football Playoff National Championship logo at the arrival of the Clemson Tigers and Alabama Crimson Tide football teams at Sky Harbor International Airport for the College Football Playoff National Championship game to be played Monday. Mandatory Credit: Erich Schlegel-USA TODAY Sports

Jan 8, 2016; Phoenix, AZ, USA; The College Football Playoff National Championship logo at the arrival of the Clemson Tigers and Alabama Crimson Tide football teams at Sky Harbor International Airport for the College Football Playoff National Championship game to be played Monday. Mandatory Credit: Erich Schlegel-USA TODAY Sports


With another college football season coming up soon, the 2016 Cavalcade of Whimsy Party Platform has been released to Make College Football Great Again … even though it’s really good as is.


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The 2016 Cavalcade of Whimsy Platform is a statement of who we are and what we believe as a Party and our vision for a stronger college football season.

We respectfully submit this platform to the American people. It is both a vision of where we are headed and an invitation to join us in that journey. It is about the great dreams and opportunities to make this a fun and exciting season, and to restore the College Football Playoff dream for all.

And to help keep your college football season from sucking.

The 2016 COW Party Platform

Sorry this Party Platform sucks. It’s not our fault …

“I read it over once, that’s all. I wrote it with as little help as possible.”

We’re going to build a wall around Leonard Fournette to keep him from getting him hurt and protect his NFL Draft stock.

It’s going to be beautiful. And we’re going to make Jaylon Smith pay for it, believe me.

No FCS games.

You’re not in good shape if you need South Dakota to win a presidential election or get to a bowl eligible six wins. Unless college football wants to mandate a one-game preseason money-grab date to get everyone tuned up, no more games against the lower-level teams.

Abolish the “Too Many Bowl Games” line.

More than a handful is never wasted. It’s more college football in December and early January – and that’s a problem, why? There isn’t a yearly “Too Many Playoff Teams” rant from the sports media types, and those games actually matter when deciding a champion. Bowls are extra college football games – if you don’t want to watch them this year, don’t. Go cure cancer or something.

We’re going to build a wall around Jim Harbaugh.

And we’ll make Nick Saban pay for it. Believe me.

You are allowed to say “we” when referring to a college football program.

If you also assume responsibility if and when that college football program gets caught in an embarrassing scandal. If “we” beat State U., then “we” also need to be blown up after, for example, tolerating a culture of sexual assault and abuse.

Full transparency of the College Football Playoff voting and selection process.

If you’ve spent time as a United States Secretary of State, or a Director of Athletics at a major American university, or an NCAA Executive, or a head football coach at Michigan, you should be able to handle Merle from Bucksnort, Tennessee’s peevish tweets when his team finishes fifth in the final rankings. The CFP voting process is fair, balanced and credible – put a camera in the room.

We’re going to build a wall around stupid adult males who harass and threaten recruits and their families for any reason.

And we’re going to make February 1, 2017 pay for it. Believe me.

No whining about when the College Football Playoff games are played.

Two words: cell phone. If you’re in a situation where you can’t watch the College Football Playoff games, that’s your fault. Even if you have a front row seat to watch the ball drop on Kathy Griffin’s face, you’ll still have nothing better to do than watch the CFP on New Year’s Eve.

Move the Heisman vote until after the national championship.

You don’t make the call of JoJo or Lauren before they get to meet the parents, and you don’t really know who the best player in college football is in a given season until after all the games are played.

We’re going to build a wall around the “State of Miami” to keep all the recruiting coordinators and big-time head coaches out.

Wait, sorry. That’s the Howard Schnellenberger platform adopted by Mark Richt. We’re going to make Luther Campbell pay for it. Believe me.

There should be a six-team College Football Playoff.

And Subway should have a 9” sandwich. Four CFP teams are too few, eight are too many. To maintain the integrity of the college football season, and to allow for all to have a true fighting chance, the CFP should be made up of six teams – five Power 5 conference champions and one wild-card of the CFP Committee’s choosing to allow for an independent, a Group of 5 champion, or a sixth team coming from a Power 5 league that really and truly might be one of the six best teams in college football. The top two teams get a bye, the other four play a first round in mid-December feeding into the current four-team format.

Until there’s expansion of the playoff, win your conference.

If you were really pretty enough to get into the club, honey, you’d be in the club. No crying allowed about not getting into the College Football Playoff if your team doesn’t win its conference. Until there’s a six-team format, or any other configuration, CFP Committee, adopt a Conference Champion Only rule to get into the top four.

Security at all college football stadiums should be air-tight.

A college football game should be one giant party, but all it’ll take is one incident to change that. Getting into a college football stadium should be like trying to get on a plane in Tel Aviv.

We’re going to build a wall around college football events that have tens of thousands of people attending to make sure all they have to worry about is whether or not their team wins.

And we’re going to make the NCAA pay for it. Believe me. It’ll be beautiful.