Cavalcade Of Whimsy: TK For Heisman, Locker Room Talk, LSU vs. Florida

From taking back “locker room talk” and making it a positive, to the Heisman candidate who needs to be a Heisman candidate, to LSU vs. Florida, it’s a very breezy Cavalcade of Whimsy.

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Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

I wanted to write it. Other columns were written, and others figured out how to schedule them in and get them done. I offered Florida several options to get it in, but they just didn’t seem to be all that interested.

Did anyone check with Missouri to see if there’s any reason to make the trip? There’s a 20% chance of rain on Saturday.

Kid: “Daddy, why don’t LSU and Florida want to play college football?”
Dad: “I guess they just don’t feel like it today, honey.”
Kid: “Are they scared?”
Dad: “I don’t think that’s it, honey. Sometimes these things just don’t work out.”
Kid: “I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow. I don’t think it’ll work out.”
Dad: (laughing) “That’s okay. You don’t have to go … it’s Columb …”
Kid: (running out of the room) “THANK YOU, LSU-FLORIDA! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!”

By the way, Disney World, if you need to shut down again around – let’s just say – December 20th to the 22nd, really, it’s all good. No reason.

First of all, yes, it’s obviously ridiculous to get into a twist over a college football game when there’s pain and suffering going on in the face of a horrible disaster. We all get that – but they played college football anyway in Florida, Georgia, North Carolina and South Carolina this weekend, and in terms of focus, be just as mad about how Hurricane Matthew suddenly didn’t exist once the Trump bus tape came out.

Of course Florida and LSU should’ve played this weekend in 87-degree, slightly windy weather.

Once it became clear that the region was going to be relatively okay, LSU should’ve gotten on a plane and gotten it on with the Gators on Sunday, or even Monday. Better yet, Florida should’ve gotten on a plane and played in Baton Rouge, and then next year’s battle between the two could’ve been moved to Gainesville.

There’s been a lot of finger pointing and plenty of accusations, but for whatever reason, it sure as shoot didn’t seem like anyone really wanted to get this thing on – maybe a bit more on the Florida side.

I’m not suggesting in any way that they’re trying to win the SEC East by trying to cut off the voter registration deadline or anything, but …

Anybody, anytime, anywhere … except in Gainesville if LSU is on the schedule

Let’s stop this one in its tracks right now. No, no, no, no, NO. Florida has no business playing in the SEC championship game if 1) there’s no way to reschedule the LSU game and 2) Tennessee loses to Alabama and 3) Tennessee is 6-2 and Florida finishes 6-1, meaning the Gators get in on winning percentage.

If that really is the scenario that happens with a second loss, if I’m Tennessee, I tell the SEC offices that it isn’t able to play Alabama this weekend because the team has to collectively wash its hair.

In the doomsday scenario, Tennessee will have gone unbeaten against the East, including a win over Florida. The Vols will have played Texas A&M and Bama, and Florida will have missed a suddenly-interesting-and-still-talented LSU.

Fortunately, SEC fans don’t take their football all that seriously. This one can just be slipped under the rug.

“I’m not kidding, that boy’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.”

ESPN did a terrific tribute to Lee Corso on the 20th anniversary of his headgear picks. The guy’s been an institution creating one of the iconic weekly college football traditions that’ll always be imitated, but never duplicated.

It was touching enough to move Corso to tears, setting up the potential for something special when it came time to making the selection in the Tennessee-Texas A&M game.

A little advice for next time you do something like this. If you’re going to celebrate the head gear bit and build it all up for the 20-year thing, when Lee makes the pick, HE NEEDS TO ACTUALLY PUT ON HEADGEAR.

Instead, there was some thing with some dog that just sat there.

Really, though, congrats, Lee.

By the way, stupid Harvard is at 979.

There aren’t going to be enough bowl eligible teams again, and if there are, it’s going to be really, really close. That means it’ll be up to the Academic Progress Rate again to determine which five-win teams are worthy of a post-season exhibition.

Last year, Nebraska (vs. UCLA), San Jose State (vs. Georgia State) and Minnesota (vs. Central Michigan) all stepped up and won their respective bowl games. This year, here’s the Cavalcade Top Ten Ranking of Teams With 5-7 Potential That Might Care About Their APR.

1. Duke, APR: 995
2. Northwestern, 992
3. Georgia Tech, 987
4. North Texas, 984
5. UCF, 983
6. Indiana, 979
7. Utah State, 978
8. Missouri, 978
9. Maryland, 977
10. Notre Dame, 975

Stunning that fans of America’s Safety School got a test wrong

For those of you who believe the presidential election is over based on the polls, I bring you hope.

This from the PPP (Public Policy Polling): “(Behind LeBron James) Urban Meyer might be the next most popular person in the state, with 55% of voters seeing him favorably to 7% who have a negative opinion of him. He has another thing going for him too. 62% of voters in the state think Ohio State would win a football game against the Cleveland Browns, to only 23% who think the NFL team would prevail.”

Oh, great. A state full of football zanies who don’t know football deciding the future of the world – what could possibly go wrong?

Ohio State has several pro prospects. Cleveland has a team full of pro players. This dumbest of all sports debates has to stop, or I’m bringing Deflategate back.

But lose to Michigan State this year, and it’s a different story

What would’ve happened if last year’s Ohio State team played like this year’s Ohio State team?

The Buckeyes sputtered and struggled through the season, but they stayed unbeaten before losing to Michigan State. If they demolished everything in their path before an off day against the Spartans, and the College Football Playoff people really were going off a four-best-team theory, a case might have been made that the 11-1 Buckeyes deserved to get in over an 11-1 Oklahoma.

Fast-forward to this year. If you don’t think margin of victory matters in terms of four-best-team perception, Jim Harbaugh certainly does. And that’s why you keep the foot on the gas against Rutgers.

I’m not letting THAT guy ruin this.

Figure this one out, sports.

We must live in a world where men and women can discuss things – and occasionally in a Sex In The City sort of way – while in the confines of a locker room-type atmosphere without the misogyny, without the sexual assault braggadocio – and with any sort of admittance being called out, reported and punished – and without the demeaning, degrading and disparaging aspect of the historic bus rant.

Admittedly, I’m in for an uphill battle in any attempt to take back the idea of what “locker room talk” should mean, and it needs to start with changing up the basics that have become the accepted norms.

We’re way too used to the “cheerleaders” on an NFL sideline, and the “dance teams” at NBA games.

We’re way too used to the way sports are marketed and used, with recruiting hostesses, Hooters, Ballers, ice girls, song girls, Tilted Kilt, Sport Clips, swimsuit issues, body issues, body spray ads, beer ads and Carl’s Jr. ads, all just a few of the ways that female faces are seen and associated in most sports – and, of course, that’s not always a negative.

Especially when it comes to college football – and the CFP is doing a good job of this – there need to be more women in prominent roles.

If you’re a perfectly talented woman who doesn’t necessarily look the part, you have about as much chance of being put as anything more than a sideline reporter as Rutgers had trying to convert a third down against Michigan.

Off the top of your head, other than, maybe, Pam Ward, name another non-sideline female voice in the world of college football.

How’s that Erin Andrews pregame thing going at Fox?

Speaking of ogling, invasions of privacy, and what Andrews had to deal with, what Trump did is put a soundtrack to the nightmare of Baylor. To Elizabeth Seeberg. To any women on college campuses who feel like they can’t come forward after being sexually assaulted because of what they know they’ll have to go through fighting the fanboy system that destroys anything that threatens the play on the field.

If there’s any real good that can come out of all of this, now coaches and players are talking about what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to how some guys talk.

So now, here’s my first attempt to clean up the mess and make “locker room talk” great again, while changing the idea of what it could be – about sports.

Let’s take a different bus ride and change it up …

Unknown: Trevor Knight used to be great. He still throws a very beautiful ball.

Fiu: I moved on him as a Heisman candidate, actually. You know, he was playing for Oklahoma. I moved on him trying to make him a candidate, and I failed. I’ll admit it.

Unknown: Whoa.

Fiu: I did try to make him a Heisman candidate. He was at Oklahoma.

Unknown: That’s huge news.

Fiu: No, no, Trevor. No, this was [unintelligible] — and I moved on him very heavily. In fact, I took him out furniture shopping. He wanted to get some furniture to display the 2014 Sugar Bowl MVP. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” I took him out for furniture — I moved on the idea of making him a Heisman candidate like a (bleep). But I couldn’t get there. And he was at Oklahoma. Then all of a sudden I see him at Texas A&M, he’s now got the big rushing stats and everything. He’s totally changed his game.

Reggie Bush: Sheesh, your guy’s playing hot as (bleep). In the purple.

Fiu: Whoa! Whoa! It’s maroon.

Bush: Yes! The Aggies have scored. Whoa, my man!

And, we’ll just stop right there.

And I’d have figured out how to work the handle to get off the bus

Really, in a year where Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, Leonard Fournette, Baker Mayfield, and a whole host of other Heisman candidates couldn’t even make it to the halfway point of the race, in an MVP sort of way, Trevor Knight really and truly should be considered the front-runner.

His team is unbeaten, Lamar Jackson’s isn’t.

Is he a pro prospect? No. Is he the first choice among college football quarterbacks in any sort of a draft? No. Is a perfect passer with unbelievable stats? No.

While he’s only completed 54% of his passes for 1,500 yards and nine touchdowns with five picks, and rushed for 502 yards and nine scores, it’s what he’s done in the biggest moments of some of the biggest games so far.

– He set the tone for the season by coming up with a one-yard touchdown run on 4th-and-goal in overtime against UCLA. The Bruins couldn’t answer and the Aggies won. On the day he ran for two scores and threw for another.

– He threw for 247 yards and a score – most importantly, with no picks – in the win at Auburn.

– Against Arkansas, he tore off first have touchdown runs from 42 and 48 yards, and effectively took the game over connecting with Josh Reynolds for a 92-yard score in the third quarter. On the day he threw for 225 yards and two scores and ran for 157 yards and two touchdowns – with no interceptions.

– Last week against Tennessee he threw two picks, but he also threw two touchdown passes and ran for 110 yards and three touchdowns, including the game-winner.

Beat Alabama in two weeks, and it actually will be time to talk Heisman.

This week’s reason why the Big 12 should consider me for expansion …

I threw for just five fewer passing yards than Rutgers did. The Scarlet Knights were good enough for the Big Ten, and I’m good enough for you, Big 12.

The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week

I went a little wacky last week, and it cost me going 1-1-1. But I did get the Merry Christmas pick of Texas +10.5 right. I promise I’ll do better.

Straight Up: 12-6, Against the Spread: 10-7-1

1. UCF -3 over Temple
2. Nebraska -4 over Indiana
3. Pitt -3 over Virginia
4. Wisconsin +10.5 over Ohio State
5. Central Michigan -2.5 over Northern Illinois

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …

The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world

1) Overrated: Trump-Bush in 2005 (not really underrated, of course)
Underrated: Kennedy-Sinatra in Palm Springs in 1960

2) Overrated: Michigan State
Underrated: Michigan State band doing the Darth Vader formation

3) Overrated: Texas giving up 45
Underrated: Houston giving up 46

4) Overrated: Tulane vs. UCF game postponed/canceled
Underrated: If one of them had a dome stadium available to play in

5) Overrated: Chad Kelly, quarterback
Underrated: Chad Kelly, brawler

Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …

For some reason, in a driving rainstorm and with NFL talent on my offensive line, I thought I could beat NC State by throwing downfield over and over and over again. Now I’m 2-4. And a little sad.