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Cavalcade Of Whimsy: The Wild & Wacky Week 2


The new superstars, the quirky Week 2 moments, and one all-timer of a controversy in the latest Cavalcade of Whimsy.


Week 2 Cavalcade of Whimsy

a.k.a, The Post-Week 2 Totally Full Basket of Deplorable College Football Blurbs

Contact/Follow @PeteFiutak

Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

It was going to be good, but it all collapsed after the officials caught my throat-slashing gesture against Arkansas.

The first rule of losing to a MAC team is: You do not talk about losing to a MAC team. The second rule of losing to a MAC team is: You do NOT talk about losing to a MAC team. Third rule of losing to a MAC team: Someone gets flagged for intentional grounding in the final seconds, the fight is over.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It states very clearly in the NCAA rulebook, Rule 10-6-4b: “If you’re a (bleep)ing Big 12 team playing at home against a (bleep)ing MAC team and the game comes down to a (bleep)ing Hail Mary, whatever happens is your (bleep)ing fault.”

Put a log on the fire and settle in for Captain Footwedge’s self-righteous lecture on the importance of following rules

I know, this belongs on a poster with a kitten hanging from a tree, or maybe a bunch of guys rowing, but either something’s right, or it’s not.

You can’t have it both ways.

Yeah, Oklahoma State really should’ve won the game, but …

The Cowboys should’ve stopped that Central Michigan last-gasp Hail Mary play and should’ve made a tackle, but …

That play should’ve never happened in the first place since the time should’ve run off and the game should’ve been over, but …

There’s nothing you can do now, because once a game is over, it’s sealed in the vault forever and nothing can ever, ever, ever change that, but …

Of course the playoff committee won’t hold it against Oklahoma State if it wins the Big 12 title and is in the hunt for a CFP spot, but …

PICK … A … LANE.

First of all, of course you can change the outcome after the fact. The NCAA does it all the time with the whole vacated wins crap it tries to pull.

Second, it’s sort of like when another parent takes your kid to go to the jumpy place with her kid, and you offer $20 so she doesn’t have to pay. It’s your place to offer, it’s the parent’s place to say, “thank you, no, it’s cool,” and it’s your place to think, “of course it’s cool, because your kid ordered ten appetizers at P.F. Chang’s last Friday, along with the Great Wall of Chocolate and some scallop dish with an inflated price that’s directly feeding into market fears that the predatory Asian-fusion food bubble is about to burst,” and it’s the parent’s place to think, “gee, Warren Buffett, thanks for the Andy Jackson that doesn’t begin to cover the sock rental and jumbo blue Icee at The Fifth Circle of Hell Trampoline Emporium highlighted by the wafting smells of vomit and feet and sadness.”

It’s Central Michigan’s place to say, “no, we don’t want to win like that and tarnish the effort and spirit of a fantastic game,” and it’s Oklahoma State’s place to say, “no, we’re not taking the win, you made the plays, we didn’t.”

I made the same argument last year after the Duke-Miami 74 lateral fiasco that should’ve been overturned into a Blue Devil win. If it’s the absolute last play of the game, and the game should’ve ended, then replay and letter-of-the-law means that Oklahoma State actually did win that game.

The miraculous Hail Mary was for fun and giggles. It never happened, but since everyone is being all nice-nice about it, Central Michigan is allowed to keep a victory it didn’t earn. Now the world is a lesser place for it.

And God help us all if this same thing happens when Ohio State goes to Oklahoma.

“There’s a thousand things that have to happen in order. We are on number eight. You’re talking about number 692.”

I do like this whole idea that 1) Oklahoma State might not get into the College Football Playoff because of this loss, and 2) that the committee is full of boobs unable to realize that the Cowboys just lost at home to a MAC team and not to Oklahoma or Pitt or a Power 5 school. The CFP types will be on it – we’re all good.

“Wait, we’re at the Pizza Hut? (what?)/We’re at the Taco Bell? (what?)/We’re at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.”

That whole playing at a speedway thing would’ve actually been cool if they held a race at the same time the Tennessee-Virginia Tech game was going on. It would’ve been like a combination KFC/Taco Bell – you can dabble in both sides and have all your senses stimulated at once, only to soon realize that your life isn’t quite working out as planned.

“Rhode Island is neither a road nor is it an island. Discuss.”

I’m aware that there’s no real need for it considering Syracuse’s average temperature 11 months out of the year is 14 degrees, but to get this straight, the football team plays in a stadium named for an air conditioning company with no air conditioning, and on a field – Ernie Davis Legends Field – that the legendary Ernie Davis never played on.

Texas running backs drooling as we speak because …

The University of California football team isn’t very good at tackling football players from other schools, so San Diego State’s Donnel Pumphrey ran for 281 yards and three touchdowns averaging almost ten yards per carry.

The guy is coming close to running among the gods.

The lightning-quick and impossibly tough 5-9, 180-pounder now has 4,651 career yards – and it only seems like most of them came against the Bears.

Assuming the Aztecs play 12 more games – ten regular season, one Mountain West title game, and a bowl – and assuming Pumphrey stays healthy, if he averages 137 yards per game the rest of the season, he’ll finish his career as the fifth-leading rusher in the history of college football behind Ron Dayne (Heisman), Tony Dorsett (Heisman), Ricky Williams (Heisman) and Charles White (Heisman).

If he averages the 118 yards per game the rest of the way like he did in 2015, he’ll finish as the sixth-leading rusher of all-time, behind the legendary top four and one step behind DeAngelo Williams of Memphis.

The guy at least would’ve beaten out Case Keenum for the Monday Night starting gig

Who’s the hottest player in college football after the first two weeks? It’s not Greg Ward, and it’s not Lamar Jackson.

Notre Dame QB DeShone Kizer is by far the buzz of the NFL scouting community with the prototype size, mobility, and arm strength to grow into the franchise-making No. 1 overall pick that Jared Goff doesn’t appear to be at the immediate moment. And he almost certainly knows that the sun rises in the east.

Please, future President Reynolds, ignore this once you move on to your true calling

Reason No. 593 I love, love, LOVE the NFL – it cuts through all the bullspit.

The media couldn’t stop falling all over itself to gush over former Navy quarterback Keenan Reynolds being drafted by Baltimore as a possible receiver, runner and kick returner.

He’s a fantastic human being with lightning quickness, a great attitude, and the athleticism to be a jack-of-all-trades for a team that needs more offensive weapons and playmakers. And then, to keep the feel-good narrative going, Reynolds got permission from to play football while fulfilling his military service obligation.

A few days before the season … cut. Free agent. Practice squad.

The NFL is a mean, cruel, badass world that doesn’t care about anything other than whether or not you can play.

And it has the Red Zone channel.

Los Angeles Rams vs. San Francisco 49ers gives the overall lead to college football

The NFL thing that makes it better: Not down until you’re touched
The college football thing that makes it better: One foot down on a catch to be in bounds

The NFL thing that makes it better: Pro players running two-minute drill
The college football thing that makes it better: Replay system

The NFL thing that makes it better: Cheerleaders that aren’t really cheerleaders
The college football thing that makes it better: Historic stadiums that aren’t cookie cutter

The NFL thing that makes it better: Shorter halftime
The college football thing that makes it better: Overtime system

Wait, back to the halftime thing. College football, I BEG OF YOU. Something has to be done to shorten these things, especially for anyone in the Eastern Time Zone trying to watch anything interesting late on the West Coast.

I’ve always been in the You’ve Got Nothing Else Better To Do With Your Life camp when it comes to the length of college football games, and that’s fine, except for the deathtrap of the downtime between halves.

As is, with the stopped clock for first downs and with the way the college game is played, the games take ten years to get through – which is why there’s always room for comebacks and momentum swings if a top team gets down.

You could fit in an entire episode of Hello, Larry during the time it takes to get through a college football halftime, which is supposed to be 20 minutes, but ends up being closer to 25 after all the commercials and delays.

By the way, Kalen Ballage just scored again

The nation’s leading passer is Texas Tech’s Patrick Mahomes. Second-leading passer, Cal’s Davis Webb. No. 3? Washington State’s Luke Falk. Fourth is TCU’s Kenny Hill. What do they all have in common?

They all lost on Saturday because some football programs haven’t received the memo that this Texas Tech passing thing doesn’t really work, and it can only get you so far before you run into a brick wall.

It’s a nice gimmick for a non-traditional college football school to throw out there as a sort of curveball that might catch a good team flat-footed on the right day, but if it was really such a championship-good system, Alabama would be doing it, it would score 593 points a game, and everyone would be impressed.

What it looks like when a football program extends its middle finger at an otherwise sane and rational world

Penn State players – and Temple players, too – it’s not your fault that you’re about to be caught up in this twisted and pathetic attempt to honor Joe Paterno’s legacy as a football coach, but you kids can be the ones who can show the adults the right thing to do.

Go Colin Kaepernick on this, Owl and Nittany Lion players – take a knee during the ceremony, put on an eye-mask, turn your back to the festivities, or find some way to show that you are the smartest people in the room.

Yeah, Joe Paterno was one of the all-time greatest college football coaches.

So?

This week’s reason why the Big 12 should consider me for expansion …

I’ve never lost to a MAC team at home, while two of your current members did just that while going a combined 1-for-19 on third downs.

The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week

You can thank me later for not giving you the “Sure Thing of the Century” New Mexico over New Mexico State pick I gave everyone else. Instead, I go 3-0 ATS. You’re welcome.

Straight Up: 5-1, Against the Spread: 4-2

1. Kentucky -19 over New Mexico State
2. Miami -3.5 over Appalachian State
3. Arizona State -18.5 over UTSA

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …

The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world

1) Overrated: Baseball’s minor league system
Underrated: The depths of emptiness required by a major league franchise to sign Tim Tebow

2) Overrated: Jason Bourne
Underrated: The Accountant

3) Overrated: Trevor Siemien
Underrated: Northwestern going 0-2 losing at home to a MAC team and then an FCS school

4) Overrated: The SEC Network schedule
Underrated: Joe Tessitore as a play-by-play man

5) Overrated: The LSU hot mess of a quarterback situation
Underrated: Anthony Jennings

Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …

I had one more really good blurb ready to go with a chance to pull out a win over a bad column, but UConn head coach Bob Diaco unnecessarily burned the final timeout on the play before and time ran out.